Tuesday, August 14, 2007
25 man errors while having sex
# NOT SHAVING
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
# NOT KISSING FIRST
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
# BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
# SQUEEZING HER BREASTS
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
# BITING HER NIPPLES
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.
# TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
# IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
# GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
# LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
# ATTA THE CLITORISCKING
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
# STOPPING FOR A BREAK
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
# UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.
# GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
# BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
# MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
# UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.
# TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
# GOING TOO FAST
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
# GOING TOO HARD
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
# GIVING LOVE BITES
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
# BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
# TALKING DIRTY
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
# NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
# SQUASHING HER
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
# THANKING HER
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is is not a soup kitchen.