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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

25 man errors while having sex

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is is not a soup kitchen.

Try to don't make this mistakes an
d you will be happy in love!!!

love is....


Anonymous said...

Get rid of the cartoons of the naked children. They may seem cute, but they are not.

Anonymous said...

the last poster is a tool

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

where oh where are the 25 female errors?

#1. Always finish what you start. If you leave us in pain, you'll never get a ring...

Web Site Design

Anonymous said...

where oh where are the 25 female errors?

#1. get real, if you marry the man before you test the water, deal with it.

#2. Always finish what you start. If you leave us in pain, you'll never get a ring...

Jon Briscoe said...

#3. Do not tease a man, if he wants it, he'll let you know

Kery said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey you fucker...
shes just trying to help
maybe you wshould take another look at the fucking thing..
maybe thats why your not having sex right now... and your to fucking busy readin Sex errors ...
kind of in doubt because the females dont call you back after their Somewhat Sex with you?

Anonymous said...

Meh, hope it helped your adsense...

Anonymous said...

totally agree with the guy 2 posts up... what's wrong with you people? This is FREE information written FYI (and although tongue-in-cheek, it is obviously written from the heart). Good on you girl, I say. Should be thanking her for the heads up you tools.

Anonymous said...

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we give a shit.

Anonymous said...

Actually It's good advice but do manhaters need to start callin people tools and what not...?

Anonymous said...

men don't give a shit about having woman orgasm?... you dickhead... i bet you've named your right hand.

Anonymous said...

Since when has the word "tool" been for the exclusive use of females?...uh everyone uses that & women, and no, i didnt post that comment.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

#1 stick it in her ass

Anonymous said...

...Fist me in the pouring rain...

Anonymous said...

How about a list of errors women make.

#1 Thinking we care about your feelings.

Anonymous said...

how about 26: not judging each case individually and not treating each woman as an individual.

Just because Jenny likes soft whisperings over candlelit dinners and being held while you make sweet, gentle love on a rug in front of an open fireplace, doesn't mean Rachel ain't into you licking chocolate sauce off her toes while she's standing above you dressed like a nun screaming "Hail Mary!", which doesn't mean that Liz ain't into being tied up, having hot candle wax dripped on her back and being taken from behind while making you wear a dudley moore mask.

That is, Unless all women get together in a big group and discuss what this season's erogenous zone is via a committee.
You don't do that do you? Oh Crap.

Anonymous said...

men dont give a shit if u women dnt come they just want some fun for them self some one should do a list of womens mistakes it would be funi. and i think from reading that i have onli ever made three of those mistakes

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Come on guys, lets be perfectly honest here. A list of things a woman can do wrong during sex is pretty short. 1: Don't show up. And even if that happens I'll probably cope by myself. Like most male internet users, I've managed millions of times before.

Anonymous said...

Chill boys, there's a lot for everybody!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike said...

Well i think it all made sense maybe some of the "boys" should read it again i'm sure they would learn from it.

Mike said...

Well i think it all made sense maybe some of the "boys" should read it again i'm sure they would learn from it.

Anonymous said...

2 quick things that every girl should remember:

1)stroke a man's penis and he will love you for one night...

2) Stroke a man's ego and he will love you forever...

A girl's biggest mistake can be making her partner feel like he is not good at sex...

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