Friday, July 27, 2007
Jokes 6#
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short. Dance naked
Freshman vs Senior
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one." The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "We, the young people of today, grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.. I love senior citizens.
Saying The Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
A WOMEN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . having money. At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!! Life is too short. Dance naked
Freshman vs Senior
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one." The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "We, the young people of today, grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding.. I love senior citizens.
Saying The Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Things Aren't Always As They Appear
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
A WOMEN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.... Have a great day and remember... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Jokes 5#
Colonoscopies
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
The Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Ponder These
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Great Truths
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Jokes 4#
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from there. The friend (who has demonstrated a high potential as a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by is cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
RUNNERS UP . . . KRAZY-GLUE RHINO
Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence runner-up), the following story receives an Honorable Mention. A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around he petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung.
Guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
Even though the cleaning lady in this story didn't die (another runner-up since she doesn't qualify), she greatly aided several in hastening their trip to see the Almighty ...
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventual the solid beep over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times).
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from there. The friend (who has demonstrated a high potential as a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by is cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
RUNNERS UP . . . KRAZY-GLUE RHINO
Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence runner-up), the following story receives an Honorable Mention. A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around he petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung.
Guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
Even though the cleaning lady in this story didn't die (another runner-up since she doesn't qualify), she greatly aided several in hastening their trip to see the Almighty ...
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues.
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventual the solid beep over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times).
Jokes 3#
Why Men Have Better Friends
Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.
Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Roosters
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
1999 Darwin Award Winners
Yes, it is the Finalists of the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"
Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.
Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Roosters
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”
“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”
The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.
“Dammit,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
1999 Darwin Award Winners
Yes, it is the Finalists of the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"
Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Ivanka Trump
This is Donald Trump’s daughter and her name is Ivanka Trump.
Donald Trump said if she weren’t his kid, he might date her.
It all began when Trump was asked how he’d react if Ivanka, a former teen model, posed for Playboy.
“If she posed, it would be fine. But it depends on what’s inside the magazine,” Trump answered.
“Although she does have a very nice figure,” he said. “I’ve said if she wasn’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Quote of the day by Ivanka Trump....
"I've never lived in a building without my name on it."
New, Unseen Marilyn Monroe Photos Unveiled
Five previously unseen candid photographs of Marilyn Monroe have now been released, with limited edition prints being distributed to select galleries throughout the United Kingdom.
The photographs are not posed, and capture the star in her most private moments- in bed, on a plane and in front of a mirror. Only 495 prints of each photo have been made, making them very exclusive.
The photos are were unveiledfor the first time today at a Marilyn-themed event at the Meller Gallery in Witney, Oxfordshire. They will be available only until Christmas.
The photographs are not posed, and capture the star in her most private moments- in bed, on a plane and in front of a mirror. Only 495 prints of each photo have been made, making them very exclusive.
The photos are were unveiledfor the first time today at a Marilyn-themed event at the Meller Gallery in Witney, Oxfordshire. They will be available only until Christmas.
Famous People Talk 4
- "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
- "My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."
- "I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
- "Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."
- "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
- "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
- "I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."
- "I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
- "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
- "I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."
Famous People Talk 3
- "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
- "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
- "Sex is God's joke on human beings."
- "Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."
- "There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."
- "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- "I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."
- "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
- "Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."
- "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Famous People Talk 2
- "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
- "She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."
- "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
- "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
- "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
- "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
- "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."
- "Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
Famous People Talk 1
- "The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."
- "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
- "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
- "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
- "Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
- "The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
- "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
- "Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
- "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
- "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Evolution of the Ancient Skin Boats
Evolution of the Ancient Skin Boats
Ever imagine what the evolutionary jump felt like between crossing a river bear-hugging a floating log and that first inaugural voyage in a dug out tree trunk? Imagine then the resourceful person who took it one step further - fashioning a "floating tree trunk" where there were no trees? Who developed the idea of making a frame that would function as that tree trunk? Was the idea to cover it in the skin of an animal or the bark of a tree a concurring mental event? Or did one precipitate the other? In any event the evolutionary stages that took us from clinging to flotsam in a river to constructing and commanding a floating vessel is truly a remarkable feat.Mankind has developed four types of skin boats in the past umpteen thousand years s/he's been in a "tool /building" stage. In probable order of development are the: coracle, umiak, canoe, and kayak. Because of their frailty, there are few, if any early, ancient examples of skin boats. Frames and skins just don't last.
What do last, however, are cave drawings, etchings on pottery and in rare cases, accurate models of boats (toys perhaps?) of vessels presumably used during that artisan's life. The earliest example of a kayak is a small model tested to be about 5,000 years old. It was simply a spindle-shaped frame with what looks like two sealskins pulled tightly over it.
Here's a brief rundown of each of the four types of skin boats Man has created; vessels whose service to Mankind is still evident today in many parts of the world.
Coracle
The coracle is basically a bowl-shaped craft used primarily to cross small rivers or to negotiate ponds and smaller lakes. The frame can be constructed so as to provide a seat for the passenger. Propulsion is usually a long push pole, but also a paddle. Coracles come in a variety of sizes but most often four-six feet wide and usually about half their width in height.The frame is built in the form of a rounded box/bowl shape with cross ribs lashed together. The skins are wrapped around the outside and pulled tightly up to or over the circular gunwale/rim around the top. Cross pieces secured to the frame provided seat support. The coracle was widely used throughout northern Europe and the Mid East. I've also seen footage of them being used in Africa. Many third-world countries still use a coracle type of vessel today.
Umiak
This is the tradition skiff-shaped boat most often seen on shore in whaling villages. They come in all sizes, from 3-4-person size up to giant boats used for hunting whale. Historically the women of the village paddled the umiak when it was put into service except when it was being used for hunting - at which time only men operated the vessel.
In some Alaskan coastal communities even today, umiak style boats can be seen as the main freighter boats in a village - hauling materials, making deliveries, and such. Built with a tapered bow and stern, the umiak is an open-framed boat, covered in skin. It can be as big or as small as needed or as materials allow. Twenty-four-man umiaks, over twenty feet long and weighing a ton, were a common sight along the coastline of sub Arctic North America for hundreds of years.
During a brief visit to the remote Pribilof Islands in the North Pacific of Alaska I saw a well-worn umiak - about 18 feet long - braced against a warehouse down by a ramp leading into the ocean. Upon inquiry I was told that during rough seas, that particular umiak was used by a crew of five or six men to unload supply vessels that couldn't get past the breakwater. A week earlier they had gone out in rough seas to take delivery of a washing machine from a large fishing boat.
Kayaks
Models of these boats were popular items in pre-historic areas of the far northern hemisphere. Kayaks carved of fossilized whale, walrus ivory, stone and even some of wood are displayed in museums around the world. An easy form to carve, models do reflect the lifestyle of the representative groups by the detail cut into individual boats. Unlike their real-life counterparts, those made of bone, ivory or stone lasted much longer than did the wooden frames and skins so researchers base much of their pre-historic knowledge on such models.The uniqueness of the kayak is that there is no other craft out there that looks anything like it, nor was concurrently developed in any other part of the world. It could be argued that the skin or bark canoe and dugouts of the Pacific Northwest and others around the world follow a basic design concept. The kayak with its closed deck and cockpit configuration is quite unique.
Canoes
From birch bark to wood strip to a brilliant shine of aluminum and modern composites, the canoe is clearly respected as a North American frontier icon. I have always thought it incredibly ingenious of the Native Americans to develop the birch bark canoe. It's classic lines and the ingenuity of piecing the bark together and forming a waterproof seam has to be one of the greater natural technological feats of early mankind. Interestingly enough, the "canoes" of the inland waterways of Alaska are strikingly similar in appearance to the coastal kayaks - same hull design without a covered deck.
Like the umiak of the far north, the canoe's history is one of massive vessels maneuvered by large crews and carrying enormous weights. They were the semi trucks of early America. Eastern North America is criss-crossed with old Voyageur routes that weave down through Canada or out of the Great Lakes as intrepid, nomadic-like frontiersmen used rivers and lakes long before roads were even being formed as foot trails.
Modernization of freight and passenger hauling replaced the canoe in the twentieth century. Fortunately the love of the craft shifted its appeal from a workhorse to a play boat. Even more important is the fact that there are those who have preserved the art of skin boat building, both in kayaks and canoes, some even using the materials of yesteryear to maintain a pure sense of the boats everlasting appeal.
Dolphins Wave?
Dolphins Wave?
Ok, so I have been waiting ALL week to get my beautiful kayak back into the water to get my weekly fix. I live in Rockeldge, Florida by the Indian River. So my wife tells me she can come home early today and watch the kids by 4:30. Great!
It's raining and kind of gray out, but I could care less. I have a spray skirt that encloses me in the cockpit of the kayak (Necky Manitou 14) and this spray skirt keeps me dry.
Bla bla bla -- so I go out onto the Indian River and am dodging all these waves and there are like 20 dolphins swimming by me doing really weird things with their lateral fins. Like waving. Weird...
I'm loving the big rolling waves on the Indian River and wondering what the strange, waving dolphins are doing there... but I am having fun so who cares. Wind and rain wiping in my face but -- I was in meetings all day listening to people -- bla bla bla -- so who cares.
Come home, and my wife tells me the first tropical storm of the season was going on while I was kayaking (*REALLY hoping this is no sort of --what did the Romans call it -- Omen?). Guess the dolphins were trying (in their own way) to tell me to get the bloody heck of the water (think I'm so darn smart, but I simply DON'T understand dolphin).
Oh well. Nothing a hot shower and a stiff glass of scotch won't cure.
Ok, so I have been waiting ALL week to get my beautiful kayak back into the water to get my weekly fix. I live in Rockeldge, Florida by the Indian River. So my wife tells me she can come home early today and watch the kids by 4:30. Great!
It's raining and kind of gray out, but I could care less. I have a spray skirt that encloses me in the cockpit of the kayak (Necky Manitou 14) and this spray skirt keeps me dry.
Bla bla bla -- so I go out onto the Indian River and am dodging all these waves and there are like 20 dolphins swimming by me doing really weird things with their lateral fins. Like waving. Weird...
I'm loving the big rolling waves on the Indian River and wondering what the strange, waving dolphins are doing there... but I am having fun so who cares. Wind and rain wiping in my face but -- I was in meetings all day listening to people -- bla bla bla -- so who cares.
Come home, and my wife tells me the first tropical storm of the season was going on while I was kayaking (*REALLY hoping this is no sort of --what did the Romans call it -- Omen?). Guess the dolphins were trying (in their own way) to tell me to get the bloody heck of the water (think I'm so darn smart, but I simply DON'T understand dolphin).
Oh well. Nothing a hot shower and a stiff glass of scotch won't cure.
The Renaissance Paddler & His Recliner
The Renaissance Paddler & His Recliner
I am a kayak fisherman. Proud and sometimes a little bit arrogant? canoeist paddle by in their clumsy craft and are amazed at my prowess? controlling a kayak while flipping lures and landing fish. Some would say that I'm a bit of a renaissance man when it comes to this exploit? me? I'm quite modest and just think I'm really cool.
I take my recreational kayak out at least once or twice a month to fish and paddle the rivers here in Virginia. One sunny Saturday in April, my brother and I decided to fish a local river. The weather was warm at nearly 65 degrees Fahrenheit, but the water was still a chilly 40 degrees. For this trip, I decided that I needed to get a bit more paddling time in on my newly purchased whitewater kayak. Heck? I'm so skilled that I'm sure that with a little bit of forethought, I'd be able to fish as well as do a little whitewater paddling practice.
We climbed in our respective kayaks and got ourselves launched. It was great to be out on the river after such a long winter. Yep? time to dust off the paddles and start off the year right! Being that I was in a whitewater kayak and had my spray skirt on, I asked my brother to carry my fishing rod until I was situated on the water and comfortable. He also carried my lunch and other gear since a whitewater kayak does not have a whole lot of storage room. I quickly discovered that my spray skirt actually works quite well as a nice little tray to fix my lures, place a sandwich and drink, and balance a fishing pole or paddle. Heck? I could have brought a little portable TV and watched a program or two.
As we journeyed downriver from the launch site, I fished and mostly kept my paddle balanced on my lap. I really only needed it to navigate to a new spot or make an occasional turn. The river we were on has quite a few slow and deep areas, with a little Class I and II whitewater a few miles downstream from the launch site. Nothing to worry about just yet, but it will make playing in some whitewater something to look forward to.
On one nice slow and deep stretch of water, my stomach started grumbling so I decided to eat some of my provisions. I signaled for my brother to paddle over and pass me a sandwich so I could dine alfresco?me and Mother Nature. Life is good and it's nice to have someone wait on you? even on the river!
Well, I don't know if you have ever paddled a whitewater kayak before, but they do react a bit differently than a recreational kayak. The stern on my whitewater kayak happens to be quite flat and low in the water, allowing the experienced kayaker to do tricks like the "stern squirt." A stern squirt is where the kayaker intentionally immerses the stern into the water by leaning back and catching the current. The current, in turn, catches the stern and forces it down. This action causes the bow to rise up and behold? you have a really neat trick that amazes the spectators.
Did I mention that I brought the whitewater kayak with me so that I could get a bit more practice time on the water? I guess you know what is coming? kind of like when you hear a redneck say to his friend, "Hey Bubba? watch this!"
Whilst dining alfresco; I decided to relax and lean back in my seat. In my recreational kayak, leaning back in the seat is akin to leaning back in an Easyboy recliner. Not so in a whitewater kayak. Whilst leaning back, I initiated an impromptu stern squirt, causing me to lose my sandwich? Grey Poupon and all. It's amazing how things seem dreamlike when you are upside down with a good view of the river bottom with your fishing pole sinking downwards. Of course my paddle decided to float off on its own with no set direction chosen. "Hmmmm? this is not good." I thought, since speaking would have caused me to ingest great quantities of water. I hadn't yet accomplished a "roll" on my own and with my paddle floating away; I decided to take the alternative course of action. Pop the spray skirt and do a flawless wet exit. Did I mention the river was quite cold?
Upon surfacing and reassuring my brother that everything was under control (his eyes were a bit wide), we proceeded to gather up the scattered paddling gear and partially submerged kayak. Fortunately, my brother was able to quickly retrieve my paddle before it disappeared downstream. The water was clear and slow enough that I was able to dive down and retrieve my fishing pole? heck? I was already fully soaked, so why not? I did mention the river was quite cold, didn't I? To make a bad situation worse, I quickly realized Murphy's Law was in full force? I hadn't placed my wallet in my dry bag as I had done on every paddling trip before.
Once we got everything together, we decided to stop along the bank on a nice big rock so I could dry out my gear a bit. It is quite amazing how much water can actually get absorbed in a gentleman's wallet. Thank goodness it was nice and sunny?drying money with little rocks piled on it would have been a strange sight for anyone passing by. After drying out for a little over 30 minutes, we decided to get back on the river and complete our trip.
Needless to say, I did not fish anymore during this trip. I decided to keep both hands on my paddle and to take seriously my remaining time left on the river to reflect on what had happened and to learn a bit more about my kayak's performance. I am certain it had to be a flaw in the kayak?not my actions. I may even have to write the manufacturer with a stern letter stating my disappointment with their product.
Lucky for me, there were no canoeists around, because I'm sure they would have misunderstood what happened?not knowing it was a product flaw. There could be of course no reason for any canoeist to doubt my paddling skills, being the Renaissance Paddler that I am.
I am a kayak fisherman. Proud and sometimes a little bit arrogant? canoeist paddle by in their clumsy craft and are amazed at my prowess? controlling a kayak while flipping lures and landing fish. Some would say that I'm a bit of a renaissance man when it comes to this exploit? me? I'm quite modest and just think I'm really cool.
I take my recreational kayak out at least once or twice a month to fish and paddle the rivers here in Virginia. One sunny Saturday in April, my brother and I decided to fish a local river. The weather was warm at nearly 65 degrees Fahrenheit, but the water was still a chilly 40 degrees. For this trip, I decided that I needed to get a bit more paddling time in on my newly purchased whitewater kayak. Heck? I'm so skilled that I'm sure that with a little bit of forethought, I'd be able to fish as well as do a little whitewater paddling practice.
We climbed in our respective kayaks and got ourselves launched. It was great to be out on the river after such a long winter. Yep? time to dust off the paddles and start off the year right! Being that I was in a whitewater kayak and had my spray skirt on, I asked my brother to carry my fishing rod until I was situated on the water and comfortable. He also carried my lunch and other gear since a whitewater kayak does not have a whole lot of storage room. I quickly discovered that my spray skirt actually works quite well as a nice little tray to fix my lures, place a sandwich and drink, and balance a fishing pole or paddle. Heck? I could have brought a little portable TV and watched a program or two.
As we journeyed downriver from the launch site, I fished and mostly kept my paddle balanced on my lap. I really only needed it to navigate to a new spot or make an occasional turn. The river we were on has quite a few slow and deep areas, with a little Class I and II whitewater a few miles downstream from the launch site. Nothing to worry about just yet, but it will make playing in some whitewater something to look forward to.
On one nice slow and deep stretch of water, my stomach started grumbling so I decided to eat some of my provisions. I signaled for my brother to paddle over and pass me a sandwich so I could dine alfresco?me and Mother Nature. Life is good and it's nice to have someone wait on you? even on the river!
Well, I don't know if you have ever paddled a whitewater kayak before, but they do react a bit differently than a recreational kayak. The stern on my whitewater kayak happens to be quite flat and low in the water, allowing the experienced kayaker to do tricks like the "stern squirt." A stern squirt is where the kayaker intentionally immerses the stern into the water by leaning back and catching the current. The current, in turn, catches the stern and forces it down. This action causes the bow to rise up and behold? you have a really neat trick that amazes the spectators.
Did I mention that I brought the whitewater kayak with me so that I could get a bit more practice time on the water? I guess you know what is coming? kind of like when you hear a redneck say to his friend, "Hey Bubba? watch this!"
Whilst dining alfresco; I decided to relax and lean back in my seat. In my recreational kayak, leaning back in the seat is akin to leaning back in an Easyboy recliner. Not so in a whitewater kayak. Whilst leaning back, I initiated an impromptu stern squirt, causing me to lose my sandwich? Grey Poupon and all. It's amazing how things seem dreamlike when you are upside down with a good view of the river bottom with your fishing pole sinking downwards. Of course my paddle decided to float off on its own with no set direction chosen. "Hmmmm? this is not good." I thought, since speaking would have caused me to ingest great quantities of water. I hadn't yet accomplished a "roll" on my own and with my paddle floating away; I decided to take the alternative course of action. Pop the spray skirt and do a flawless wet exit. Did I mention the river was quite cold?
Upon surfacing and reassuring my brother that everything was under control (his eyes were a bit wide), we proceeded to gather up the scattered paddling gear and partially submerged kayak. Fortunately, my brother was able to quickly retrieve my paddle before it disappeared downstream. The water was clear and slow enough that I was able to dive down and retrieve my fishing pole? heck? I was already fully soaked, so why not? I did mention the river was quite cold, didn't I? To make a bad situation worse, I quickly realized Murphy's Law was in full force? I hadn't placed my wallet in my dry bag as I had done on every paddling trip before.
Once we got everything together, we decided to stop along the bank on a nice big rock so I could dry out my gear a bit. It is quite amazing how much water can actually get absorbed in a gentleman's wallet. Thank goodness it was nice and sunny?drying money with little rocks piled on it would have been a strange sight for anyone passing by. After drying out for a little over 30 minutes, we decided to get back on the river and complete our trip.
Needless to say, I did not fish anymore during this trip. I decided to keep both hands on my paddle and to take seriously my remaining time left on the river to reflect on what had happened and to learn a bit more about my kayak's performance. I am certain it had to be a flaw in the kayak?not my actions. I may even have to write the manufacturer with a stern letter stating my disappointment with their product.
Lucky for me, there were no canoeists around, because I'm sure they would have misunderstood what happened?not knowing it was a product flaw. There could be of course no reason for any canoeist to doubt my paddling skills, being the Renaissance Paddler that I am.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Jokes 2#
Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
Revenge
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
Hunting
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find �No Trespassing� signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I�ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I�ll make you a deal. We�ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we�ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I�ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won�t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I�m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let�s get the hell out of here!"
Two Turtles
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
Purple Parrot
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
Bad Parrot
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Three Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat!"
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
Revenge
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.
Hunting
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find �No Trespassing� signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I�ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I�ll make you a deal. We�ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we�ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I�ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won�t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I�m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let�s get the hell out of here!"
Two Turtles
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
Purple Parrot
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
Bad Parrot
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Three Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat!"
Jokes 1#
Branch-Davidians
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car? It depends on how big your ashtray is!
Trouble in Math
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”
Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Typical Gift
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Little Leprechaun?
A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."
The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."
The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."
So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.
He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.
He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.
So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."
12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Yo mama's So Flat
Yo' mama so flat, she's jealous of the wall!
How could you?
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
Yo mama's...Stupid
Yo Mama is so stupid, she thinks Limp Bizkit is a medical condition.
Office English Dictionary
Blamestorming: Sitting around
in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An
outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled
with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone
yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls
to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the
Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who
always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The
disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online,
wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly,
as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit
a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A
short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who
seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take
training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious
students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for
documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Redneck College Grad
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
Dumb Brunettes
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ?
A: Peroxide.
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
Italian Capitalism:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
British Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo
centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and
shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should
need.
Gore Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop
dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are happy.
Bush Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully.
You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and
the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism:
You have two cows.
After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk
might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company.
After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk
manufacturing factory.
After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii
with your millions of dollars.
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car? It depends on how big your ashtray is!
Trouble in Math
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”
Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Typical Gift
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Little Leprechaun?
A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."
The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."
The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."
So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.
He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.
He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.
So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."
12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Yo mama's So Flat
Yo' mama so flat, she's jealous of the wall!
How could you?
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
Yo mama's...Stupid
Yo Mama is so stupid, she thinks Limp Bizkit is a medical condition.
Office English Dictionary
Blamestorming: Sitting around
in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An
outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled
with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone
yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls
to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the
Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who
always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The
disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online,
wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly,
as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit
a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A
short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who
seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take
training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious
students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for
documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Redneck College Grad
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
Dumb Brunettes
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ?
A: Peroxide.
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
Italian Capitalism:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
British Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo
centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and
shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should
need.
Gore Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop
dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are happy.
Bush Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully.
You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and
the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism:
You have two cows.
After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk
might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company.
After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk
manufacturing factory.
After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii
with your millions of dollars.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)