Jokes 1#

Branch-Davidians

How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car? It depends on how big your ashtray is!


Trouble in Math

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.

On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”


Snooping

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms!"

I didn't even know that she had a penis!


Typical Gift

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"


Little Leprechaun?

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."

The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."

The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."

So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.

He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.

So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him."


12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''


Yo mama's So Flat

Yo' mama so flat, she's jealous of the wall!


How could you?

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''


Yo mama's...Stupid

Yo Mama is so stupid, she thinks Limp Bizkit is a medical condition.


Office English Dictionary

Blamestorming: Sitting around
in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was
responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An
outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with
clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled
with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone
yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls
to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the
Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who
always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The
disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online,
wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly,
as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stands for Single Income,Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit
a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A
short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who
seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit
card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.
Tourists: People who take
training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious
students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for
documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for
swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.


Redneck College Grad

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''

''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''

After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''


Dumb Brunettes

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ?

A: Peroxide.


Capitalism for Dummies

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

Italian Capitalism:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

British Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
Let’s make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo
centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and
shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers.
The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should
need.

Gore Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You share two cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop
dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks
the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism:
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to
put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism:
You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism:
You have two cows.
They are happy.

Bush Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully.
You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and
the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism:
You have two cows.
After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk
might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company.
After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk
manufacturing factory.
After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii
with your millions of dollars.