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Friday, July 13, 2007

Jokes Of The Month

Favorite Jokes

  • wedding ... ( jokes of the month)

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

  • On second thoughts…
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

  • How to win prizes...
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

  • Snack And Other Entertainments...
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly cunt."
Looking around there's still no-one around.
A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "Fuck off you ugly tosser!"
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order."

Sex Jokes
  • An Excellent Costume Party Idea ...

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

  • We Really Can't Win!

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

  • Take Careful Aim ...

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

  • An Innocent Enough Enquiry ...

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

  • Desparate Measures ...

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

  • Convict On The Loose ...

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Blonde Jokes



A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk
and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm,
this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The
second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do
it!!!" The blonde replies,"Shut up, you're next!"


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,"OK, what's the capital of
Arkansas?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: A."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government
class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi
pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby
was the first to respond. As
the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out
on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me
a BLIND policeman."

  • Blonde Horse Riding
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace,
but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She
tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from
the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket
manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

  • Blonde Bride ...

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever
heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long? ====

  • Blonde and thermos

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos.
She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold''

The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought

The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in
it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!''

  • Blonde in the desert

There are three women lost in the desert, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
After walking round for a while they find a genie, who tells them they have 1 wish
First the brunetre says 'I wish i was back at my house.'
The Redhead wishes that she was also back at her house.
The blonde uses the last wish, she says 'I wish my friends were back here, with

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